I think… about my marriage

At times, I think, I overthink, about stuff. But I am going through a dilemma whether I should get married or not. Marriage is not just about finding a biological companion. It’s also about, I think, moving on, stepping forward, and hardening up. I am blank right now. But I want to talk about this. If you ask me if I am ready to get married, then the fact is, I was ready about six months ago. But I am waiting, waiting for something to happen. Something to happen before I give up. Give up to my parents’ wishes.

One day a friend told me girls these days do not get married to a groom arranged for her who earns less than (₹) one million per annum (or, he’s not working outside India). I agree it’ll be better to manage finances for a family of two, just-in-case, the girl is not working or is unwilling to be employed. But that’s also a strange scenario. In that case, I am not getting married for the next three years or so (without a miracle). Also, monetary reasons aside, I don’t quite understand what’s going on inside the mind of a human being who wants to get married to the salary (or the place) instead of the human being.

Something else that I don’t quite know is, how–in our times of intolerance— a girl will adjust with my temperament and behaviour? I am someone who jumps at weirdest of the ideas that come to me. I, actually, physically jump in excitement. Every day, in my bathroom. Sometimes, on my bed. Yes. That’s how I am. And, among all the strange nuances people have, I am not one of the most pleasing talkers in a bunch of them. I can be nasty. In that case, if a bride is arranged to get married to me, how will she ever come to know about the strange sides of my personality? She’ll never come to know about that by talking to me on phone for, say, a few months. I have a habit of talking to myself loudly. I have got my own set of neurotic problems, and biological problems (like constipation and flatulence, for example). These are the things that are awkward to others. Since I have had, mostly, a carefree life, I had never cared a lot about these things. But the fact is, to me, the other person in my life will have to share – and tolerate – the complexities, nuances, and nuisance of my personality and I’ll have to share hers.

I’ll be 26, this December. I told my mum (my parents talked to me seriously about my marriage this time) to give me another year to see if something actually happens that lets me go ahead with the decision to get married, or halts me, and asks me to stop and look in another direction; and wait. I don’t quite know what that “something” is. Maybe it is a new job, may be it stands for finding someone myself who’ll understand and adjust (which, I fear, won’t really happen). Or maybe, it is an opportunity, some kind of a signal that requires me to give up my toughening up for the moment and explore the new world that asks for singular devotion (it could be anything; from being a film maker to an opportunity to start your own business). In that case, however, I’ll have to give up my plans of getting married. Because marriage would mean maximum importance to the human being who’d come to share her life with me. An opportunity, of that order, would be unfair to that human being. And that’s a fear that’ll never leave me. What if I get that opportunity immediately after I get married?

But then, marriage is about toughening up. About doing the right thing. I need to toughen up. One way or the other, I have to man up. I have been a laid back person for a long time now. I have realized that there are places I cannot go back to. Like a hostel or a school or a shared accommodation for that matter (though I will, without a hiccup, if one of these becomes a great option). Many of us can’t go and talk to every girl out there. And, also, India is not quite a country where you run into girls all the time and have a friendly chat that easily. (With such horrible misogyny all around and a disproportionate number of males to the number of females). And for people inherently incapable of starting a conversation with a stranger (let alone a girl unknown), it’s just another setback of sorts. I have (almost) always screwed up when I was asked to begin a conversation without a direction. I mean, I always need some kind of a preparation, a hint, or an idea to talk. If I am in a train, or at a party, and if I have to talk impromptu, I mess up. I need a day, or a couple of hours, at-least, and not the least to think about what to talk and how, but just to get a drift of the situation and to be able to talk! And being able to talk is what is needed in this world of swift action, agility, and pace. You can’t just emit your feelings to someone right there. It doesn’t happen. We humans aren’t that capable. We need to talk our feelings out, loudly. Animals can sense that, they can even sense nervousness in humans. We don’t quite have time to sense such things. We need to be told, out loud…because with so many people around, and such idiocy at that, it’s rather alright to be a bit ignorant of such ruthlessly infinite mesh of non-sense that surrounds us.

And thus, people like I stay bereft of any incidence of, even, inconsiderably successful courtship. And thus I have been through adolescence without any incidence – any slight suggestion, even – of a relationship. I just swam. Swam through life as a character in a Pixar movie taught me. Haven’t quite reached anywhere, it seems (or maybe I have). But, it seems, that for me, this unnecessary wandering won’t really work. Whining is useless, and I need to toughen up. I can’t go to the mountains to fix my life. In my case, I can’t. Whatever I have, I need to straighten out stuff here. That includes getting somebody I can listen to, somebody who’d listen to me. Because, it seems, what I got, till now, is what I deserve, probably. Nothing more and nothing less.

Though I don’t yet have job that lets me charge my company a million per annum, and I also come with a set of annoyances for a life partner, I think I am ready. To toughen up. To listen. To talk. Or, at-least, to see if I am ready. Because I think I have an empty space inside me. That can only be filled by a woman; a woman I haven’t yet come across. And I lose hope every day. One day my marriage will be arranged with someone I’ll not say no to; because of the ever increasing emptiness inside me. She’ll not say no to me because we are Indians. And neither of us will live happily ever after.